Room-sharing Gifts

"As far as roommates go he's fine, he just leaves deadly traps everywhere."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

Speed Dating for Turtles

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"Yo, Eunice – don’t leave me hangin’."

"I think I need an extra pillow."

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Biofelineism

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

'Are we broke yet?'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

'Who gets the decaf?'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"Who ordered a pizza?"

I hate monday mornings.

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

"Dammit Harold, you know I hate that mask!"

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

It's not considered drinking alone if the cat is at home.