Room-sharing Pillows

"As far as roommates go he's fine, he just leaves deadly traps everywhere."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

"I think I need an extra pillow."

"Yo, Eunice – don’t leave me hangin’."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Biofelineism

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

'Who gets the decaf?'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

'Are we broke yet?'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"Dammit Harold, you know I hate that mask!"

"Next time don't use a herbed vinegar."

"Who ordered a pizza?"

I hate monday mornings.

It's not considered drinking alone if the cat is at home.

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

"Much ado list"

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'