Roommate Pillows

"Alexa, what fresh hell are we in for today?"

'Well at least your washing up arm is O.K!'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

"Do you want the last piece, or can I have it?"

"We're still moving in."

Hmmm... Listen to this: Says here, males think about pollination every 7 seconds. Is that true, Clifford?... Clifford?

Elephant in the Room

"I've consolidated all our bills into one missed payment."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

"I'd love to, but I have a million lonely ritualistic things I need to do."

"So I forgot to pay the water bill. At least the faucet stopped dripping."

Silly man ordered a bed that is too big for his room.

'...and this is Stephanie, my flat-mate'

What do I do now?

'I missed my roommate so I went out and got this spray called, 'Never Showers,' and now it's like she never left.'

'Of course I considered your feelings - I brought you some ear-plugs.'

The quarantine self cut.

You wish

"I'm bored. Want to trade the songs stuck inside our heads?"

"It's a terrific space, Tony—but do you think the TV will fit?"

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"I really didn't want him, but I need him to cover up the fact that I sometimes smell like a wet dog."

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

'These pajamas come with a flak jacket sewn into the lining to protect against the 'Stop Snoring' elbow in the ribs.'

'I guess the transplant went ok - I just got a love letter from my new liver!'

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

Bed divider.

"I hope you don't mind, but I used your toothbrush."

"Clean up this mess. . . or you're out."

"Finally, something I know I'll finish."

'I'm going to have a bath, shall I leave the water in for you?'

'Okay, I can take a hint, I'll turn on the furnace.'

"The 'Queer Eye' people came by - but they fled."

What a filthy rug. Sweep it under the dirt.

Murphy's Bed meets Murphy's Law.