Roommate Pillows

"Alexa, what fresh hell are we in for today?"

'Well at least your washing up arm is O.K!'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'Oh, for heaven's sake What kind of ridiculous thing did you put on your facebook now, Jake'

It's a Gordon Ramsay recipe, so if you don't ****** like it you can ******* off.

"Do you want the last piece, or can I have it?"

"We're still moving in."

Hmmm... Listen to this: Says here, males think about pollination every 7 seconds. Is that true, Clifford?... Clifford?

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

"I've consolidated all our bills into one missed payment."

Elephant in the Room

"I'd love to, but I have a million lonely ritualistic things I need to do."

"So I forgot to pay the water bill. At least the faucet stopped dripping."

'...and this is Stephanie, my flat-mate'

Silly man ordered a bed that is too big for his room.

What do I do now?

The quarantine self cut.

'I missed my roommate so I went out and got this spray called, 'Never Showers,' and now it's like she never left.'

'Of course I considered your feelings - I brought you some ear-plugs.'

"Clean up this mess. . . or you're out."

"I hope you don't mind, but I used your toothbrush."

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

'Okay, I can take a hint, I'll turn on the furnace.'

'I guess the transplant went ok - I just got a love letter from my new liver!'

"I'm bored. Want to trade the songs stuck inside our heads?"

Bed divider.

"Finally, something I know I'll finish."

'I'm going to have a bath, shall I leave the water in for you?'

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

'These pajamas come with a flak jacket sewn into the lining to protect against the 'Stop Snoring' elbow in the ribs.'

"I really didn't want him, but I need him to cover up the fact that I sometimes smell like a wet dog."

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"It's a terrific space, Tony—but do you think the TV will fit?"

You wish

Murray wonders whether the thrill of his next move will be worth the inevitable end of household harmony.