College Roommate Pillows

'Speed reading course 7.00 to 7.05.'

Binge Drinking On Campus.

'I pushed the popcorn button but there isn't any in there.'

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

"I'm getting dangerously close to figuring out what I did last night."

"All my college books are electronic textbooks, so my backpack weighs less now than it did when I was in elementary school."

'Oh, now that's a nice vase...'

"Spare me the early bird lecture."

Humanities 101. I hear you're reading Greek plays in there. Yeah, it's a real Medea blitz!

The Bachelor Chef TV Show. First, remove last night's pizza from the fridge. Then eat cold for breakfast. Shoot! 29 minutes left to kill.

… So Ace Peerless and I were parasailing, and out of nowhere, he took out his knife, cut his cords, and plummeted into the ocean. Of all the times I've had men run out in the middle of an argument, that was by far the most annoying. Susan, I said my old college roommate Rudy Park is a Russian spy, and a federal agent put me on a plane to Moscow to follow him and expose how he's helping Putin blackmail the president! Not being heard. That is my biggest pet peeve, Lemont. Ace knows that. Could you

"IBS isn't all bad. It was largely responsible for me winning 6 sprinting medals in college track."

'Finished-after I gave you the best twenty minutes of my life??'

"Bro, no!"

The day Bob finally understood radiation of species.

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"I've decided to major in engineering...college loan debt restructuring."

"This is my new 'One Answer Fits All Questions' - shirt!"

"Are you sure her voicemail didn't say to 'bring a rose'?"

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

Wally Begins research for his thesis entitled "who's a good dog?"

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

Speed Dating for Turtles

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

Biofelineism

'Don't worry. No one else knows what they are doing either.'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.