Retirement Roast Gifts

'Your previous work experience... surely you jest.'

I've always wanted to quit while I was ahead but the opportunity never presented itself.

"Good game."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

'Hold on, I'll get the camera.'

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

Pilot with champagne.

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

"He was just hanging about in the shed, so I had him repurposed."

Stairlift around cliff face.

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

"Damn those dugout Martinis!"

Harsh Mellows.

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

"Ron didn't realise he was so popular."

"We do all those old tricks electronically now."

'The economy being what it is, we've had to make a few changes in your retirement plan. . .'

"You're doing great, only thirty-one more years to go."

'This is Harris, he's been with the firm some 45 years!'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

'You can't put him out to pasture - he owns the pasture!'

Smoking Area. Oh, I don't smoke. I'm just addicted to ten-minute breaks.

'...I said we've been marooned.'

'Is this a party, a cheese and wine do, a cocktail party, a soiree or just another of your old cronies get-togethers?'

"Oh no I left my bagpipes in the oven."

Old Karate Master

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

'Do you have one with the number 401k? under the law averages, it's bound to be winner.'

'You see doctor I've been increasingly Forgetful.'

'Something new for Sunday lunch today - Corned-beef sandwiches!'

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"Death coach..."

"Good news. Your medical prognosis is right in sync with your retirement portfolio."