Retirement Relaxer Gifts

"Since Frank retired two years ago, he's been on the alert for some long-dormant artistic talent to develop."

'The best part of growing old is not having to invest for the long term.'

Congratulations on your retirement

"Have you ever thought about dropping a few pounds, dear?"

'My husband has retired from the bench.'

John Boehner

Alexander Hopson - retired submarine commanding officer.

'Look at you! Sitting there doing nothing... why don't you get a job like other pensioners?!'

"Sometimes I stop to think and forget to start again."

'Retirement became more tolerable when I installed this water cooler.'

"You start out living life in the fast lane, then you drift over into the slow lane, and before you know it, you're on the exit ramp!"

"You can leave the rat race – but they always find you."

"Ahhh... close enough."

'Behold. Ed and Jim have finally reached nirvana.'

"And then, when I feel like a rum punch and breaded shrimp, I can just swim to Tony’s Trattoria."

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

"You really need to think about getting glasses."

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

'The cruises and long vacations ensure I'm not micro-managing.'

'He's a retired Drill-Sergeant!'

"I do wish Henry could run into someone from the dress business to talk to."

"The nest may be empty, but our drinks are full."

Last night I went over to Lance's house, and he was leaning back in his recliner, drinking a beer, eating a pizza and smoking a cigar. I said, "Tsk! Tsk!" He asked if that was for the recliner, the beer the pizza or the cigar. I explained that I'm quite adept at multi-tsking.

"That's where the tenured faculty members hang out."

"Your blood pressure is too high. Take two of these."

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

"First break since 1996!"

'I've still got the fire in my belly, but for the next two weeks I'm solar powered.'

"I can't stop thinking about all those available parking spaces back on West Eighty-fifth Street."

Dun spellchecking.

"Have you ever tried buying lots of stuff?"

"And this is my husband...he's into energy conservation, mostly his own!"

Old man in rocking chair playing golf

'Ferguson's not like the rest of us - he's AROUND the hill.'

"Oooo!... Leather! I'd love to shed on that!!"