Retired Jockey Gifts

"Retirement options from racing? There are probably only two: a stud farm if you're the winner, the knackery if you're a loser..."

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

Rocking Horse

"Tour de Frank"

A day at the transgenic races

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

The Epsom Derby - The Finishing Line

"You really need to think about getting glasses."

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'I want to give my children all the things I never had. Then move in with them.'

Gentlemen Riders

Too old to rock'n'roll now, Sir?

First past the post.

'Is that all you can do Just sitting there watching your old movies'

Horse racing puns

"The nest may be empty, but our drinks are full."

"Did you see neighhhhhh...bours last night?"

The Derby- Horse Auction at Tattersall's

'Well, I can't find anything in the rule book about it.'

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

"I quit."

"Seriously, fellas, I can't get up."

Sporting maladies.

Advertising space on jockeys' bottoms

'I'm racing him in the 4.30.'

Stout gentleman: 'That's the way to get over a gate! I don't think you left me so far behind that time.'

Scientists discover a new Superbug

I got my bad back from an old football injury.

'Well, I've stopped racing professionally you see, so I can enjoy good food at long last...'

"It's their big annual event—the Run for the Roses."

'Last again. I hope you kept a diary of your trip.'

Sporting maladies.

'Talk about lack of trust! My trainer didn't even bet on me, but I showed him: I won the race!'