Retired Friend Gifts

"Excuse me, this is the work table."

'Ooh... Bless you!'

7 Dwarves of Retirement

"Back in my day there weren't any delivery trucks, distribution centers and fancy computers! We just hopped door-to-door until our feet bled!"

Glad to see Bob's keeping busy in retirement. K-9. K-mart.

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

"Why bother?"

Albert & Myra - The End Story

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

'The economy being what it is, we've had to make a few changes in your retirement plan. . .'

(Scheduled) Sex, (Prescription) Drugs & (Classic) Rock & Roll

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

Mr. Evers specifically asked for a plain coffee, not an espresso.

Which vaccines did they have when you were young? You cannot get under my skin, loser. Were you vaccinated against the black plague? Not bothering me. Were you vaccinated against leprosy? I am unaffected by you. Were you vaccinated against the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs? Munch mun - When's the last time someone shoved a syrupy pancake down your pants?

Heavy meals on wheels

"Honestly, John, I'm not angry! I was going to suggest you give up driving even before you hit my car in the parking lot!"

"You know you're getting old when..."

"You really need to think about getting glasses."

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Rejuvenile Delinquents.

"I like New York, but I miss sleeping drunk on my front lawn."

Man, Lemont … how long's it been? Twenty years? Just about. You still working at Pigville Pork Burgers? Nah … I got a job as the Candorville Chronicles White House correspondent. Then I went on to found Candorville.com, the internet's seventh largest source for news and opinion. Oh. That's cool. That's cool. How do you not know this? We're Facebook friends. I post links to my articles every day. We were roommates all through college, and you don't even read my updates? Facebook's for reading yo

Remote Control Duck

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

'I'm fighting ageing.'

"I get it! I get it! Elephants never forget. Now quit bragging about it!"

"Just when I thought I had all the answers, I forgot what the questions were."

An old man plays a prank on the grim reaper

"I cranked up the dose a tad. Why should kids have all the fun?"

"You're right, they are statins."

'I can't make you younger...odometer tampering is against the law.'

"Well, Dr. Garcia said he's doing all he can, but he can't make me any younger. But I don't care about getting younger. I just want to keep getting older."