Retail Survivors Gifts

Customer Service - I don't know and I don't care.

"It was terrifying experience being faced with that kind of compulsive, insane behaviour...I tell you it's positively the last time I put foot in the sales!"

Mother threatening to gag her baby.

"I know I should have gotten a cart, but I can't give up now."

Black Friday - the day the retailer is crucified

"Ooh look, the high street's evolved to survive!"

Brick and Mortar

'I am sorry Davis, your bonus is a bit different this year, its all down to cashflow; but you can take your pick.'

"Returns"

"All in favor of changing out name from '17th Federal Savings & Loan' to 'Still Here Bank'..."

Shopping Torture

Supermarket 'Men, temporary lobotomy patch'

You know retail is in a bad way when...

"What's wrong with you? This isn't what I want! Do you know what you're doing? Can you get me a smarter clerk?"

'I'm sorry. The CEO can't come to the phone right now. He's entertaining some prospective clients over lunch.'

Till malfunction

"Any chance of some credit?"

"While we do appreciate your diligence... It's not the store's policy to shoot shoplifters!"

'And what seems to be wrong with the sprayer, sir?'

'Dried meat, survival set, folding spade... okay. Now I'm ready to go shopping with you.'

Welcome to the real world. What just happened? Where am I? The Mall. The Mall. We've been shopping – in person. Not the kind of shopping where you order things on your phone and have them sent to your house. this is the jungle! And you didn't last five minutes! You were laid out by some geezer hustling to the grocery section to get a special deal on prune juice! E-commerce has made you soft! I've got a scratch on my iPhone.

'Yes, it is a stressful job.'

"I balance my manic compulsive buying with manic buyer's remorse."

"We'd like to switch you from working under the radar to living off the grid."

"You don’t have to buy everything you see on Instagram."

Complaint clerk presses button to drop customer through trap door

This Spring's Girl will be a warrior type, a survivor.

'As an unpaid intern, Peabody, I think you're the ideal person to explain to the workforce why it is necessary for me to cut their pay in these difficult times for business.'

'Urgent customer announcement. Is there an EPOS systems programmer in the shop?'

"Don't, son – once they cross over into meats, they're out of our jurisdiction."

The Store That's All Closed-Up

'I'm not sure what to do with you. You had a customer complaint this morning, then, a few minutes ago, you got a customer compliment...I guess they balance each other out.'

Closed at 1, Open at 2, but to you...1:45.

"Get a move on, my tranquillizer is wearing off!"

'We both know that you didn't catch that in the wild, sweety. Now put the fish in the cart, and go grab us some of that really soft toilet paper.'