Retail Realist Gifts

"Listen, Baldo, I know what you're thinking...but as part of the management team, I can say with all confidence that your job is safe."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"I shop, therefore I am."

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

George doesn't really like me using the credit card.

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

'Mr. Barnes was going to interview you for the job, until he realized you were actually expecting financial compensation, benefits and vacation time.'

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

'I've fired the entire company except you, Jerkins. You'll have more work without pay, but you do have job security.'

'Remember Jones, your organs are worth more to us than your intellectual property.'

"The boss is mad at me. I did something really, really dumb today!"

"Good morning - I'm from your bank. We'd like our house back please!"

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

Brick and Mortar

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

'They had a sale on electric green.'

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"Didn't we have a door over there?"

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

"A glimmer of hope is fine, Hendricks, but anything more than that will lead to massive disappointment."

"The increase in our budget has allowed you the luxury of a company vehicle. Enjoy."

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

"Look's like a dummy run to me!"

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

'It's you.'

"It's a modest studio flat with own garden, 30 minutes from central London."

Getting older is . . . when you start to dress for comfort rather than style.

'Well, we've been talking about downsizing, and it looks like the bank is going to make sure we do.'

"That? Oh, that's the contractor insult tax. We add that to the invoice when a customer treats us as if we're somehow constantly contriving to rip them off."