Resume Skeptic Gifts

"You don't even look good on paper."

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

"We fell for this last time remember..."

"According to your resume, you've done nothing of any real significance since inventing the wheel."

'Wagner, if I paid you what you're worth, you'd be working for nothing!'

'Not for what I'm getting paid!'

'Every man has his price, Peterson. I've decided yours is £2.75.'

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

'OK, now you've seen it...'

"We've concluded that an alarming percentage of the population are experiencing involuntary eye-rolling at the word 'inclusion'."

"If I hear the word ‘mindfulness’ one more time, I swear I’m gonna lose it."

Descartes's Demon

'Don't believe everything you read.'

'It's a wonderful find, and yet there's something suspicious about it.'

"Oh yes, I've got the whole business computerised now"

PERSONNEL, 'Your resume has everything but verisimilitude.''

"IDEOMOTOREFFECT. See! I told you."

Ponzi Schemes Inc

"So if I'm to understand you correctly, this 'engineered athletic footwear' with its 'extended torsion system' is also a sneaker?"

"We didn't learn anything today. We had to unlearn what the substitute taught us yesterday."

"Your god can't stop his own priests from raping children in his own churches. So what makes you think he can help you find your T.V. remote?"

"Sometimes I think I'm a victim of the 'Peter principle', I reached my real competence level some time ago..."

'I can't see any future in my business.'

'Trust Me, I am an Estate Agent.'

Bookshop: new in.

"So is Cameron Diaz really a babe, or is that another thing we've been led to believe by the biased media?"

'You know, folks, if they still haven't made you paranoid enough, here's something ELSE for you to think about.... What if Benghazi was just a DISTRACTION?'

"We've got a vacancy for a church mouse, if you're interested?"

'Is the 'living happily ever after' part just spin?'

'I've traveled back in time to warn you...in the future you'll be charged a fee to watch television AND the commercials, you'll need a computer to hear music, and morons roam the streets with tiny phones they talk extremely loud into!'