Resume Skeptic Pillows

"You don't even look good on paper."

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

"We fell for this last time remember..."

"According to your resume, you've done nothing of any real significance since inventing the wheel."

'Wagner, if I paid you what you're worth, you'd be working for nothing!'

'Every man has his price, Peterson. I've decided yours is £2.75.'

'Not for what I'm getting paid!'

'OK, now you've seen it...'

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

"We've concluded that an alarming percentage of the population are experiencing involuntary eye-rolling at the word 'inclusion'."

"If I hear the word ‘mindfulness’ one more time, I swear I’m gonna lose it."

Descartes's Demon

"Bark bark bark woof yap!" It might be good, but I'm just not in the mood for subtitles.

'For Peter's Home and Careers class, he has to take care of this computerized doll of a 23-year-old son who won't move out of the house.'

'Don't believe everything you read.'

'It's a wonderful find, and yet there's something suspicious about it.'

"Oh yes, I've got the whole business computerised now"

PERSONNEL, 'Your resume has everything but verisimilitude.''

"IDEOMOTOREFFECT. See! I told you."

Ponzi Schemes Inc

"So if I'm to understand you correctly, this 'engineered athletic footwear' with its 'extended torsion system' is also a sneaker?"

'You know, folks, if they still haven't made you paranoid enough, here's something ELSE for you to think about.... What if Benghazi was just a DISTRACTION?'

"Sometimes I think I'm a victim of the 'Peter principle', I reached my real competence level some time ago..."

'I can't see any future in my business.'

Bookshop: new in.

"Your god can't stop his own priests from raping children in his own churches. So what makes you think he can help you find your T.V. remote?"

"So is Cameron Diaz really a babe, or is that another thing we've been led to believe by the biased media?"

'Trust Me, I am an Estate Agent.'

"We've got a vacancy for a church mouse, if you're interested?"

"We didn't learn anything today. We had to unlearn what the substitute taught us yesterday."

'Is the 'living happily ever after' part just spin?'