Employment Skeptic Pillows

Help wanted, but not really expected.

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

Resume Dumpers

"According to your resume, you've done nothing of any real significance since inventing the wheel."

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"We got him through a firm of headhunters"

'And this is Bert, our intern. He's been with the company for 46 years!'

"That was a good interview. Do you have any other questions about this company?"

'I received matching offers.'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

'This doesn't look good.'

'I am sure you will enjoy working here until your inevitable layoff.'

'I see you worked here seven years ago. Don't you have a better reference than that?'

'The best thing about working here is that nobody is irreplaceable.'

"I told you they had a tough interview process here."

Very well, Mr Potter. I blinked first. You're hired.

'I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed I was let go by the public sector and not wanted by the private sector.'

'Who said honesty is the best policy?'

'I'd love to have whatever job you have left.'

"Looks like you're quite the wheeler and dealer... unfortunately we're only hiring movers and shakers."

"Maybe we apply as a group....crowdsourcing employment."

'I just don't get it. The new motivational posters aren't helping at all!'

'We're looking for someone who would be comfortable toiling in obscurity for at least thirty years.'

'I'm going to write a salary figure on this piece of paper. You tell me if it is acceptable or too high.'

Compete with This

Personnel. We're overstaffed right now. With the amount of work I do, I'd hardly be noticed.

"We're going to be forced to give up something, and I reckon the something is you."

'The LACK of a resume indicates that I don't need one.'

5 YEARS AGO

'Since you were previously self-employed, you shouldn't mind working for us without a health plan.'

'Heyyy, you're hired! Want a peanut?'

'I was successful in meeting expectations by lowering them during the job interview.'