Employment Skeptic Pillows

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

"According to your resume, you've done nothing of any real significance since inventing the wheel."

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"We got him through a firm of headhunters"

'And this is Bert, our intern. He's been with the company for 46 years!'

'This doesn't look good.'

"That was a good interview. Do you have any other questions about this company?"

'I received matching offers.'

'I see you worked here seven years ago. Don't you have a better reference than that?'

'The best thing about working here is that nobody is irreplaceable.'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

'I am sure you will enjoy working here until your inevitable layoff.'

"I told you they had a tough interview process here."

'I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed I was let go by the public sector and not wanted by the private sector.'

"Looks like you're quite the wheeler and dealer... unfortunately we're only hiring movers and shakers."

'Who said honesty is the best policy?'

"Maybe we apply as a group....crowdsourcing employment."

Very well, Mr Potter. I blinked first. You're hired.

'I'd love to have whatever job you have left.'

'I just don't get it. The new motivational posters aren't helping at all!'

'We're looking for someone who would be comfortable toiling in obscurity for at least thirty years.'

'I'm going to write a salary figure on this piece of paper. You tell me if it is acceptable or too high.'

"We're going to be forced to give up something, and I reckon the something is you."

'The LACK of a resume indicates that I don't need one.'

'Since you were previously self-employed, you shouldn't mind working for us without a health plan.'

'I was successful in meeting expectations by lowering them during the job interview.'

'Heyyy, you're hired! Want a peanut?'

'We're extending an offer of employment to you contingent upon the results of a drug test, psychological consultation...'