Resume Avoider Gifts

"Oh, a resume is not necessary. I know all about you."

'I couldn't do my term paper because they've never made a movie about Rutherford B. Hayes.'

"I like going to school...and I like coming home from school. It's all the stuff in the middle that gives me trouble."

"By the way, the failing grades you'll be seeing-they won't be virtual."

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"I'm sorry. I don't have yours. My dog ate your homework."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

'When played backwards these say terrible things like 'do your homework' and 'clean your room.''

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

"That was one of the hardest exams ever. I don't think anybody got a good grade."

"Everything looks real good...except these long gaps in your work history every winter."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

Billy strip: help with homework.

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

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"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

'Would you believe, I didn't get my homework done because of PMS?'

"I virtually finished my homework."

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

"I've been an accountant, an actuary, an advertising exec, an administrator, an architect, an art director, and an auditor, and now I'd like to move on to the B's."