Resume Hoarder Gifts

"I've been an accountant, an actuary, an advertising exec, an administrator, an architect, an art director, and an auditor, and now I'd like to move on to the B's."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"I was drawing a whale, but I ran out of paper."

Inside One's Memory Bank

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

'We'll take two sets, for upstairs and downstairs.'

"My Gmail account is full. I can't get any more email." "So?" "I'll miss email. It was so old-timey. You could write hundreds or even thousands of words, with actual paragraphs." "People didn't see any little animations to show them you were typing. They had to actually wonder if you were going to reply." "And the spam was fun. You never got to hear from Nigerian princes while you're checking your texts." "Just delete stuff." "If you delete a few gigs of old emails, you'll be able to get n

"There is a great deal of evidence that big savings can be made if departments shared resources... But I suspect that implementing the changes might be problematic if we can't even get Norman to lend out his pencil sharpener."

"I'll need all the information you can find on why I need so much information."

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"Oh, a resume is not necessary. I know all about you."

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

"When I opened my cupboards at home they were full of junk food, when I opened my mailbox it was full of junk mail. I'm always afraid to open my portfolio balance."

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

Many certificates of achievement on the wall.

"Buckle up. We're in the midst of an unprecedented breadcrumb recession."

"My father said I was too big for my britches!"

'I made a backup disc. Then I realized I wanted a backup of the backup. Then I decided just to be safe, to make a backup of that backup...'

"Since time is an issue, I didn't have time to organize my receipts."

'These disks contain backups of all my financial records in 25 different software programs. . . I need to make a deposit to your computer.'

"Mother, take your time, I know this isn’t easy for you. But this is an important moment in our lives, so I will ask you one more time, what on earth did you do with my old comic books?!"

'I read your resume. It's good, but I prefer reading non fiction.'

"Run! My laptop is so full of apps, downloads, old documents, screenshots and junk files, it's about to explode!"

"Harry Potter and the chamber of obsolete electronics."

"I see from your resume you have a black belt in accountancy."

"There's so much evidence we should put some aside for a different case."

'If the Mayan calendar is right, how should I back up my files?'

'I didn't know 'Businessish Management' was something you could get a degree in.'

Computer announces to user: 'You now have more files than Al Capone had under his pillow in Alcatraz.'

"My banking experience? I was responsible for all my organ-grinder's money collection and accounting..."

"Do you have any other strengths?"

'It's in my resume. I don't do computer windows.'

"These investments aren't without risk. Your mailbox might explode with prospectuses."