Restaurant Review Enthusiast Gifts

"He said his name was Joseph when he told us he'd be our waiter this evening."

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

La Table

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Your lobster was off!

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."