Restaurant Review Enthusiast T-Shirts

"He said his name was Joseph when he told us he'd be our waiter this evening."

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

La Table

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

Your lobster was off!

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

Advanced footsie

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.