Restaurant Prankster Pillows

'Waiter, could I have another glass? This one has someone drinking out of it.'

'I think I've got one, Doris!'

"Mr. Johnson, Bob is kicking me under the table!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'My husband made my cake from scratch...even the candles.'

'I bet you think I'm drinking tea...'

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

'Look Jefferson, much as I respect your emphasis of the informal approach...'

Man opens refrigerator which promptly burps.

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

"The chef ran out of the shiitake-infused sweet potato au gratin, so he substituted hash browns."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"First day back at work. Don't forget to get some office stationery."

"I'm not trying to freak you out, but your eel roll is moving."

"More helium."

"I couldn't have made my family recipe raisin date nut cake with it's secret ingredient without Jimmy's help."

'This isn't a non-profit-making organization you know! Or at least, it wasn't until you started working here!'

"Here's the pub-grub you ordered"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"Now now, what have I told you about using your zombie knife at the dinner table..."

Doughnut Criminals

'Where's your costume and team spirit? You're not paid to enjoy yourself - you should enjoy your work!'

'Thank you for the turkey, thank you for the dressing, and thank you for the squash, which Mother cleverly refers to as pumpkin pie.'

Budget Cuts

"Be right with you - just need to call for a tow truck and change today's 'Catch of the Day' to venison."

'Word to the wise: Always check the cheese for pills.'

"There's a rumour that someone may be resigning today."

Mock Apple Pie Recipe

'Here's one I nicked earlier.'

"You're back in the office now. Leave your voodoo dolls where they belong... at home."

'No, there isn't any shrimp in the 'Shrimp Surprise' -- It's just called that because it's not all that surprising.'

'Ordinarily I wouldn't do anything like that, Mr. Hubbard, but I just hit $2 million in the lottery!'

'It's too early to start being good for Christmas. I always wait until at least the Thanksgiving left-overs are all gone.'