Restaurant Goer Gifts

"Stick to the specials and no one gets hurt."

Socrates does lunch

'Talk about service. My water glass is never empty.'

'I thought you said they had a celebrity chef.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'I don't know if you're a mathematician but my wife's not happy with her Poisson distribution.'

Things were going smoothly until the waiter offered to place Ralph's napkin for him.

"Separate checks?"

'Why, yes, I remember you. May I suggest an undrinkable pinot grigio that goes well with a bad tip?'

"Your fish ... I'm sorry, but there will be a slight delay."

"Who had the garden salad?"

"You can see by its smile that this halibut was humanely killed."

"Remember, it's a buffet, not a feeding frenzy."

"My husband must be a magician. Every time the check comes he disappears."

'Excuse us, Sir - Do you need any help with that chocolate pudding?'

"No, I said I want a veggie burger not a wedgie burger!"

'Look at those cheeks, and me stuck in here with my pincers tied.'

'Physical or Social Science?'

'I know we shouldn't have rats in the kitchen...but he's the only one who understands the H&S regulations!'

'The violin player wanted fifty bucks.'

'Are you still doing that goldfish canary combo?'

'Whoa! Our waiter's online and you should see what he's saying about your tip!'

'Excellent napkin.'

'I can't cut my steak. Take it back.' 'I can't, you've bent it.'

'I know, let's spilt the bill two ways.'

'Check please!'

'Waiter, there's fur in my soup, too.'

'Oh, and by the way. Did I mention that I'm garlic intolerant?'

"A tip for my waiter? Well you could tell him he needs to speed up quite a bit..."

"So, you want me to go all the way back to the kitchen just to get you a menu...? Couldn't I just give you a link to our, online menu?!"

"Hi, I'm Todd and I'll be your centerpiece tonight."

"Kids burn things-if you don't like it, don't go out."

"The specials marked with asterisks are recommended by the Christian right."

"In addition to the regular menu, today's specials are . . ."

"A table in Siberia, please."