Respectful Eaters Gifts

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

View to the Future

"Wait—did you procure that worm humanely?"

"Wild-caught, farm-raised, lab-grown, beach-found, or aquarium-harvested."

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

'Is it guilt that when you eat us that we are no longer called pigs but bacon, pork chops or ham?'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

'Now, think hard about it: Do you want to be known as the one who ate the last Dodo?'

"The lobster dinner is thirty eight dollars, or for ten dollars extra you can have him returned to the sea."

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

'Personally I can't see anything wrong with GM crops!'

"They say we destroy plants – such as potatoes, corn and carrots – and they're boycotting us. They're fruitarians."

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

'It's going to be a vegan.'

"We would like to be genetically modified to taste like Brussels sprouts."

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

"On second thought, just give me the ham and forget the roast beef."

"All our vegetables are organic, ethically sourced and stunned before being boiled."

A boy who loves cows/burgers

"Is it free-range?"

'Rob is a vegan.'

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

"Nothing is organic, local or sustainable. Now, can we get started?"

"Now make sure your heat is high enough to sear your putrid meat quickly."

'Beef Counselor - mad cow, foot and mouth, diet, nutrition, ethics'

'Preparing free-range chicken requires an extremely patient chef.'

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."