Wholesome Eater Gifts

"I'll have a gluten-free, hypoallergenic vegan cookie with whipped hand-sanitizer topping."

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"Wait—did you procure that worm humanely?"

View to the Future

"Wild-caught, farm-raised, lab-grown, beach-found, or aquarium-harvested."

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

'Is it guilt that when you eat us that we are no longer called pigs but bacon, pork chops or ham?'

All Natural Nothing

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

The Gospel According To Jane Brody"Orange, come in. Apple, come in. Hey you, frankfurter, hold it right there."

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

'All those vegetables Mom's been feeding me finally paid off. I'm a squash.'

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

'Now, think hard about it: Do you want to be known as the one who ate the last Dodo?'

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

"I'd rather eat your homework."

The candy house, if the tale of Hansel and Gretel would happen today.

"The lobster dinner is thirty eight dollars, or for ten dollars extra you can have him returned to the sea."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Personally I can't see anything wrong with GM crops!'

'Excuse me - are you organic?'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

'For the first 500 calories of what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.'

'It's going to be a vegan.'

'We've only got a couple of days to finish this box of cereal. Mom'll never let us eat something called energy-packed after school's out.'

"We would like to be genetically modified to taste like Brussels sprouts."

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

'This 'infrastructure' stuff you keep talking about -- does it have anything to do with vegetables?'

A boy who loves cows/burgers

'Thank you waiter - my wife's the rabbit.'