Renter Gifts

'...you said, 'it only gets a bit damp when it rains'!''

"The fact is I don't know a single damn story about any of them. I just rent the place furnished."

Inside Airbnb

"Five more minutes, I was dreaming our apartment was rent-controlled."

"The flat I rented from you is a pig-sty!"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'As my solicitor I think you could have negotiated that better.'

Where do you see yourself five years from today, dork-boy? 43 Breen Road. What are you talking about? It's where everyone wants to go. It's the most popular AirBnB in San Francisco. The earliest opening they had was five years from today. Just book a hotel. Hotels are so 2007.

' I gather you wish to reassign your lease, Higgins.'

'There goes any chance of us getting our security deposit back.'

"I rented out the basement."

'Honey, the neighbors have persuaded me to stop coming out into the hallway every morning to play 'reveille'!'

Home Sweet Sign

Tenants Wanted: "We're in luck, boys!"

"And these are the Andersons, our tenants."

House hunting is cruel.

"I need an apartment just big enough for a laptop, a coffee cup, and me."

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

"Full central heating and hardwood floors throughout, the flat also benefits from being close to all major transport routes."

"We need to be careful."

"Airbnb?"

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

Turtle Eviction

The lessor of two evils.

We divided it up and turned it into a rental.

It's a nice apartment but I don't want to pay my share of the national debt for rent.

'I always thought Facebook was the perfect roommate...Until the rent came due.'

"Let's see - you might be just right for a little 2-turret, 1 1/2 moat unit I'm renting on West 58th street."

"The previous tenant has gone away for a very long time."

"It's a new rent concept - fifteen minutes for a quarter."

'Here is the lead-based paint information, Fair Housing criteria, laws regarding tobacco use outdoors, slip-and-fall warning, and, barring any further public hysteria, the lease itself.'

'Sorry...I don't deal with lease issues.'

'I'm presuming by the amount of rent you're asking for, it includes a full-time butler, maid and gardening staff!'

'Sorry, my dog says no landlords allowed!'

'Here is the lead-based paint information, Fair Housing criteria, laws regarding tobacco use outdoors slip-and-fall warning, and barring any further public hysteria, the lease itself.'