Renting Gifts

'Does this mean I don't get my security deposit back?'

'Here is the lead-based paint information, Fair Housing criteria, laws regarding tobacco use outdoors, slip-and-fall warning, and, barring any further public hysteria, the lease itself.'

'Sorry...I don't deal with lease issues.'

'I'm presuming by the amount of rent you're asking for, it includes a full-time butler, maid and gardening staff!'

Landlord holding back a tennant from his money: 'It's all part of the service!'

'No love, the public haven't voted you out. You haven't paid your rent.'

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

You boys still owe me the rent from last month.

'Un-Cooperative Apartments.'

'The landlord's here, and he looks hungry!'

'Well so much for not needing a break clause in the lease.'

"Look! It's the Buy-to-let brigade."

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

'And this is my landlord...'

'Am I safe in assuming that your requirements do not include a formal dining room?'

'Look out! The landlord's arrived for his yearly tip.'

'The owner says you can stay free the first month if you can find his lost TV remote.'

I don't know about you, but I find it impossible to find flatmates...

The lessor of two evils.

Yeah, once again, Mistress missed out on getting the rental property she wanted. The usual issue: no pets allowed...

'I'm presuming by the amount of rent you're asking for, it includes a full-time butler, maid and gardening staff!'

"The previous tenant has gone away for a very long time."

"I need an apartment just big enough for a laptop, a coffee cup, and me."

"For a 2 bed will need a guarantor, you don't by any chance know Jeff Bezos do you?"

"He's moving out when he's saved up enough for a deposit on a flat."

"And these are the Andersons, our tenants."

"It's a new rent concept - fifteen minutes for a quarter."

Beware of the Landlord

"It's a sublet and it's fabulous."

"I don't want to live in the street."

"I'll email the landlord."

Leonard Cohen calls his landlord

"Let's see - you might be just right for a little 2-turret, 1 1/2 moat unit I'm renting on West 58th street."

Generation Rend. Young man rending his garments in anguish at extortionate rents.

'And now, before we sign the lease on your apartment, repeat after me...I do solemnly swear that during the terms of this lease, I will have no children...'