Renting Pillows

'Does this mean I don't get my security deposit back?'

'Here is the lead-based paint information, Fair Housing criteria, laws regarding tobacco use outdoors, slip-and-fall warning, and, barring any further public hysteria, the lease itself.'

'Sorry...I don't deal with lease issues.'

'I'm presuming by the amount of rent you're asking for, it includes a full-time butler, maid and gardening staff!'

' I gather you wish to reassign your lease, Higgins.'

Landlord holding back a tennant from his money: 'It's all part of the service!'

'No love, the public haven't voted you out. You haven't paid your rent.'

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

You boys still owe me the rent from last month.

'Un-Cooperative Apartments.'

'The landlord's here, and he looks hungry!'

'Well so much for not needing a break clause in the lease.'

"Look! It's the Buy-to-let brigade."

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

'And this is my landlord...'

'Am I safe in assuming that your requirements do not include a formal dining room?'

'Look out! The landlord's arrived for his yearly tip.'

'The owner says you can stay free the first month if you can find his lost TV remote.'

I don't know about you, but I find it impossible to find flatmates...

The lessor of two evils.

Yeah, once again, Mistress missed out on getting the rental property she wanted. The usual issue: no pets allowed...

'I'm presuming by the amount of rent you're asking for, it includes a full-time butler, maid and gardening staff!'

"The previous tenant has gone away for a very long time."

'I always thought Facebook was the perfect roommate...Until the rent came due.'

"I need an apartment just big enough for a laptop, a coffee cup, and me."

"For a 2 bed will need a guarantor, you don't by any chance know Jeff Bezos do you?"

"He's moving out when he's saved up enough for a deposit on a flat."

We divided it up and turned it into a rental.

"And these are the Andersons, our tenants."

"It's a new rent concept - fifteen minutes for a quarter."

Beware of the Landlord

"It's a sublet and it's fabulous."

"I don't want to live in the street."

"I'll email the landlord."

Leonard Cohen calls his landlord