Property Renting Pillows

If it's a really good deal, don't ask why. You don't want to know.

"I can't believe how great my life is now: We used to live in an apartment, but now, I have my own garden..."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

' I gather you wish to reassign your lease, Higgins.'

'...you said, 'it only gets a bit damp when it rains'!''

'Yeah, strictly speaking it's a hole, but I prefer to think of it as a bijou hole.'

'For Sale by Neighbor'

Mouse real estate!

An exaggeration of estate agents

'On the face of it, it sounds great that she left me her house, but it has gone stale and what Hansel and Gretel didn't eat the birds have had a go at.'

Tenants Wanted: "We're in luck, boys!"

"And these are the Andersons, our tenants."

"This spectacular 40 room property has majestic views of the valley and village and it was tastefully renovated after the most recent Viking incursion."

House hunting is cruel.

"I need an apartment just big enough for a laptop, a coffee cup, and me."

'The owner would have shown you around himself, but he doesn't rise untill after sunset.'

'I need to tell Edgar...our house sold for a million two.'

"I'm looking for something a little more open pan."

"I told you we should have sold last winter."

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

"And the bathroom has a water view...if you fill the tub."

'Floodplain close - House on stilts with ladder. Estate Agent saying, 'Welcome onto the property ladder...''

UP Again: Housing Prices.

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

"Full central heating and hardwood floors throughout, the flat also benefits from being close to all major transport routes."

"Like I told you Gladys: location, location, location."

"This isn't a fixer upper. It's a down-and-outer."

For Sale By Owner

"Anything in Mr, Rogers' neighborhood?"

"I used to live here. Now I make a fortune renting it out on Airbnb."

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

'Don't worry about your daughter Sir: I'll find us a dump to live in...'

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

"I told you he was a motivated seller.

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'