Renter Pillows

'...you said, 'it only gets a bit damp when it rains'!''

"The fact is I don't know a single damn story about any of them. I just rent the place furnished."

"Five more minutes, I was dreaming our apartment was rent-controlled."

"The flat I rented from you is a pig-sty!"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'As my solicitor I think you could have negotiated that better.'

'There goes any chance of us getting our security deposit back.'

"I rented out the basement."

'Honey, the neighbors have persuaded me to stop coming out into the hallway every morning to play 'reveille'!'

Tenants Wanted: "We're in luck, boys!"

House hunting is cruel.

"And these are the Andersons, our tenants."

"I need an apartment just big enough for a laptop, a coffee cup, and me."

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

"We need to be careful."

"Full central heating and hardwood floors throughout, the flat also benefits from being close to all major transport routes."

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

Turtle Eviction

It's a nice apartment but I don't want to pay my share of the national debt for rent.

"Let's see - you might be just right for a little 2-turret, 1 1/2 moat unit I'm renting on West 58th street."

"The previous tenant has gone away for a very long time."

"It's a new rent concept - fifteen minutes for a quarter."

The lessor of two evils.

'Here is the lead-based paint information, Fair Housing criteria, laws regarding tobacco use outdoors, slip-and-fall warning, and, barring any further public hysteria, the lease itself.'

'Sorry...I don't deal with lease issues.'

'I'm presuming by the amount of rent you're asking for, it includes a full-time butler, maid and gardening staff!'

'Sorry, my dog says no landlords allowed!'

'Here is the lead-based paint information, Fair Housing criteria, laws regarding tobacco use outdoors slip-and-fall warning, and barring any further public hysteria, the lease itself.'

"The Bank has returned the rent cheque marked 'Insufficient funds', but it doesn't say whether that's them or us!"

Generation Rend. Young man rending his garments in anguish at extortionate rents.

Tenants and Landlords - 'Are we nearly there? ...'

"He's moving out when he's saved up enough for a deposit on a flat."