Rental Agent Pillows

"Of course, it's hard to tell what a place really looks like without furniture."

Airport Terminal. Rental Cars. That self-driving vehicle is waiting for us to go first. It's a courtesy van!

"You really are something else Harrison. I asked you to get me a hire car, h-i-r-e, not h-i-g-h-e-r!"

'No hot water? That's OK. I only take cold showers.'

Where do you see yourself five years from today, dork-boy? 43 Breen Road. What are you talking about? It's where everyone wants to go. It's the most popular AirBnB in San Francisco. The earliest opening they had was five years from today. Just book a hotel. Hotels are so 2007.

' I gather you wish to reassign your lease, Higgins.'

'...you said, 'it only gets a bit damp when it rains'!''

'There goes any chance of us getting our security deposit back.'

"Great for worship then! Great for retail now!"

"This one has nicer sand, but I think I prefer the tree on the last one we saw."

"And these are the Andersons, our tenants."

"I need an apartment just big enough for a laptop, a coffee cup, and me."

House hunting is cruel.

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

"Sorry son, I rented out your room to backpackers on Airbnb."

"Just think- if it really was 'unlivably small,' would they have installed a permanent Ping-Pong table?"

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

"Airbnb?"

"Okay, so the current occupants are being tormented by supernatural forces, but they do agree to pay closing costs."

Couple wanting to buy the estate agents office.

'At least this means we won't need a coal mining search.'

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

"Five more minutes, I was dreaming our apartment was rent-controlled."

The lessor of two evils.

"It's a new rent concept - fifteen minutes for a quarter."

"Let's see - you might be just right for a little 2-turret, 1 1/2 moat unit I'm renting on West 58th street."

It's a nice apartment but I don't want to pay my share of the national debt for rent.

We divided it up and turned it into a rental.

"Sign here, initial here, rassle Zeke for the keys and you're all set."

'I always thought Facebook was the perfect roommate...Until the rent came due.'

"The previous tenant has gone away for a very long time."

"And if what they say about global warming is true you should have year round use of the pool by 2075."

Valentines for Real Estate

'Here is the lead-based paint information, Fair Housing criteria, laws regarding tobacco use outdoors, slip-and-fall warning, and, barring any further public hysteria, the lease itself.'

'Sorry...I don't deal with lease issues.'