Reluctant Fixer Gifts

'Well, the magic of Christmas is officially over, unless it includes waking up to a septic tank backup.'

'Hey Einstein, how about converting some of your mass into energy and getting this place cleaned up?'

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

"I’ve got to take this. It’s someone who isn’t obsessed with summer fun."

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

"It's another day, Phil. Planning to suit up?"

'Now, dear, I spent 35 years pretending to look busy. I can't just quit overnight!'

"For heaven's sake lighten up, Roger! You're supposed to be on holiday."

"You don't get a lot of work done, Jenkins, but I admire how thoroughly unstressed you are."

"Careful... if you look too comfortable they take your chair away."

"Baldo, time to get up! It's the first day of school!"

Stop staring at that screen saver!

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

'I don't need that exercise stuff -- I cross the pain threshold just getting out of bed in the morning.'

'You know Doug just isn't a morning person. This afternoon's not looking too good, either.'

"My husband hid my laptop to stop me working on vacation."

'There's nothing on the telly!'

'God, I hate Sunday mornings.'

'I set the alarm to 96 years!'

"On days when I need to get out of bed and go to work, I close my eyes until the feeling passes."

"Instead of cleaning my room, can we just seal the door and call it a time capsule?"

Man ignores DIY book and instead reads book entitled: 'Get someone else to do it'.

CLEAN YOUR ROOM! 'Out of sight, out of mind...'

"Should I fix it or call it a water feature?"

"My art speaks for itself."

"I won't be in the office today, my apathy is acting up again."

"Sidney gets nervous if he's too far from his money."

"I'm not a big fan of fresh air and sunshine, but it beats helping dad clean out the basement."

'I do more than I want, but it's always less than I should.'

"The boss is on a working vacation and we're on a nonworking vacation."

'Dang it Sharif, I told you we shouldn't built the jacuzzi on an ancient bee burial ground.'

Sweeping under the carpet

'yes, up every day at dawn, but there was a shameful time as a teenager when I used to sleep in until noon sometimes...'

"I'm writing a book on everything I don't know about technology. It's a lot longer than I originally thought."

Rise and shine, young man! It's time for school! I don't want to rise, I don't want to shine, I'm not a young man, and school is for suckers. Call me at lunchtime.