Reluctant Fan Gifts

'I've wasted decades convincing myself that I actually like football.'

'Hey Einstein, how about converting some of your mass into energy and getting this place cleaned up?'

'I had a great year and I wasn't even trying.'

'It's a demonstration by retired CEOs who refuse to give up their bonuses.'

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

'Well, the magic of Christmas is officially over, unless it includes waking up to a septic tank backup.'

"You don't get a lot of work done, Jenkins, but I admire how thoroughly unstressed you are."

The middle school mile claims its first victim.

"Appointments. Disappointments."

"Sorry... My School Aversion Syndrome is totally bad today."

Stop staring at that screen saver!

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

'I'm sorry I didn't come to work yesterday, sir -- somehow, it seemed like Sunday.'

'There's nothing on the telly!'

"Go join your coach and the rest of your team. I'll be watching from the bar."

'Derek's a big fan of resisistance workouts. He always resists working out.'

"Enjoy my first day at school? You mean there'll be others?"

"Instead of cleaning my room, can we just seal the door and call it a time capsule?"

"I hate these walkabouts. Did you remember to get me some corn plasters?"

CLEAN YOUR ROOM! 'Out of sight, out of mind...'

"The boss is on a working vacation and we're on a nonworking vacation."

"The only thing I like more than running is everything else."

"My art speaks for itself."

'I do more than I want, but it's always less than I should.'

"I'm not a big fan of fresh air and sunshine, but it beats helping dad clean out the basement."

"Sometimes, I wish we'd never invented football."

Sweeping under the carpet

"My physical therapist says this is the worst possible position you can lie in."

"Sorry about the expletive."

The Imperfect Hostess

'He loves all sports, he can sit and watch others do it all day.'

"Mom, don't believe it. It's Fake News."

Sorry, this game is not available in your area

'Don't worry, Mom - I'll do my book report during the next commercial.'

This week, House Manager Blowviatt has been asked to avoid the appearance of playing to the cameras.