Reluctant Repairman Gifts

Man ignores DIY book and instead reads book entitled: 'Get someone else to do it'.

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

'Well, the magic of Christmas is officially over, unless it includes waking up to a septic tank backup.'

"The holidays are finished George, get over it!"

Desk boxes: 'In', 'Out', and 'What ever'.

'...I don't want people to get the impression that I'm so passionate about my work that I'll be taking it with me!...'

"You don't get a lot of work done, Jenkins, but I admire how thoroughly unstressed you are."

John was bck from extended leave, but he hadn't quite got in the swing of things yet.

'Liquor will solve this problem, chief!'

Stop staring at that screen saver!

Sundayafternoon Carpenters

"Go join your coach and the rest of your team. I'll be watching from the bar."

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this committee.'

"Should I fix it or call it a water feature?"

"The boss is on a working vacation and we're on a nonworking vacation."

'Dang it Sharif, I told you we shouldn't built the jacuzzi on an ancient bee burial ground.'

"My art speaks for itself."

'I couldn't decide what to wear to work so I just didn't go.'

"My physical therapist says this is the worst possible position you can lie in."

"I'm writing a book on everything I don't know about technology. It's a lot longer than I originally thought."

"I can catch up with all the chores my wife wants done over the Labor Day weekend."

"This could be a job for....Slothman. Nahhh."

"We just weren't compatible.Her body-clock was telling her to settle down and have kids,and mine was telling me that the pub was open."

We're actually looking for someone who just wants to get out of the house.

"For Christ's sake, Bob, tuck your shirt in."

'The good news is, I've got no more trouble with my stupid boss and grumbling customers. The bad news is, our company is insolvent and I'm jobless.'

"Dr. Garcia is ordering to make a lot of changes in my life."

"I really should call my mother — I just don’t want to talk to her."

"Baldo, I need you to take this out to the dumpster."

Armstrong, I've worked here for a long time and I think I deserve a raise. How about it? I'll give you an Indian Ocean raise, minion. How does an Indian Ocean raise of $2 an hour sound? Fun fact: The Indiana Ocean's on the opposite side of the world, so its "up" is our "down." I don't think that's how "up" works, boss. "Relativity" is just a theory.

Obscenity-recognition software. It's for people who hate computers, but have to use them.

"I didn't hear Bill Clinton say it was time for me to change."

Knowing that he was holding yesterday's 7 million lottery ticket,,,

'I love Saturdays. . . why couldn't this happen on Monday and ruin a work day?'

"Maybe next week when I'm feeling a little better."