Reluctant Professional Gifts

"For Christ's sake, Bob, tuck your shirt in."

Desk boxes: 'In', 'Out', and 'What ever'.

'I couldn't decide what to wear to work so I just didn't go.'

Golfing Boss

"I’ve got to take this. It’s someone who isn’t obsessed with summer fun."

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

'What do you mean I don't take time to smell the flowers?'

Telling Self to Buzz Off

"You don't get a lot of work done, Jenkins, but I admire how thoroughly unstressed you are."

Mental To-Do List

'Liquor will solve this problem, chief!'

Stop staring at that screen saver!

"Son, we didn't spend a fortune on your education so you can 'just be yourself.'"

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this committee.'

Man ignores DIY book and instead reads book entitled: 'Get someone else to do it'.

'Today was a bit of a disaster.' - 'First I cut my finger and bled everywhere, then I lost my plaster while I was cooking.' - 'Do you want the last bowl of pumpkin soup?' - 'No, it's okay. You go for it.'

"The boss is on a working vacation and we're on a nonworking vacation."

Burning the midnight oil again?

"My physical therapist says this is the worst possible position you can lie in."

Recipes From The "I Really, REALLY Hate To Cook" Cookbook

"Oh man. Tia Carmen's making that soup with all those weird vegetables."

"This could be a job for....Slothman. Nahhh."

This week, House Manager Blowviatt has been asked to avoid the appearance of playing to the cameras.

"I'm writing a book on everything I don't know about technology. It's a lot longer than I originally thought."

"We just weren't compatible.Her body-clock was telling her to settle down and have kids,and mine was telling me that the pub was open."

We're actually looking for someone who just wants to get out of the house.

"Dr. Garcia is ordering to make a lot of changes in my life."

I start teaching summer school next week...

"Baldo, I need you to take this out to the dumpster."

'The good news is, I've got no more trouble with my stupid boss and grumbling customers. The bad news is, our company is insolvent and I'm jobless.'

"I really should call my mother — I just don’t want to talk to her."

'Relax Bob. You're among friends.'

'I love Saturdays. . . why couldn't this happen on Monday and ruin a work day?'

Day 27 of self-isolation and the initial burst of enthusiasm to 'get things done' had swindled to nothing.