Reluctant Professional Gifts

"For Christ's sake, Bob, tuck your shirt in."

Desk boxes: 'In', 'Out', and 'What ever'.

'I couldn't decide what to wear to work so I just didn't go.'

Golfing Boss

"I’ve got to take this. It’s someone who isn’t obsessed with summer fun."

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

'What do you mean I don't take time to smell the flowers?'

Telling Self to Buzz Off

"You don't get a lot of work done, Jenkins, but I admire how thoroughly unstressed you are."

Mental To-Do List

'Liquor will solve this problem, chief!'

Stop staring at that screen saver!

'You heard! There's no way I'm cooking for you!'

"Son, we didn't spend a fortune on your education so you can 'just be yourself.'"

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this committee.'

Man ignores DIY book and instead reads book entitled: 'Get someone else to do it'.

'Today was a bit of a disaster.' - 'First I cut my finger and bled everywhere, then I lost my plaster while I was cooking.' - 'Do you want the last bowl of pumpkin soup?' - 'No, it's okay. You go for it.'

"The boss is on a working vacation and we're on a nonworking vacation."

Burning the midnight oil again?

"My physical therapist says this is the worst possible position you can lie in."

Recipes From The "I Really, REALLY Hate To Cook" Cookbook

"This could be a job for....Slothman. Nahhh."

"I'm writing a book on everything I don't know about technology. It's a lot longer than I originally thought."

"Oh man. Tia Carmen's making that soup with all those weird vegetables."

This week, House Manager Blowviatt has been asked to avoid the appearance of playing to the cameras.

We're actually looking for someone who just wants to get out of the house.

"We just weren't compatible.Her body-clock was telling her to settle down and have kids,and mine was telling me that the pub was open."

'Relax Bob. You're among friends.'

"Baldo, I need you to take this out to the dumpster."

I start teaching summer school next week...

Knowing that he was holding yesterday's 7 million lottery ticket,,,

'The good news is, I've got no more trouble with my stupid boss and grumbling customers. The bad news is, our company is insolvent and I'm jobless.'

Obscenity-recognition software. It's for people who hate computers, but have to use them.

Armstrong, I've worked here for a long time and I think I deserve a raise. How about it? I'll give you an Indian Ocean raise, minion. How does an Indian Ocean raise of $2 an hour sound? Fun fact: The Indiana Ocean's on the opposite side of the world, so its "up" is our "down." I don't think that's how "up" works, boss. "Relativity" is just a theory.

"I really should call my mother — I just don’t want to talk to her."