Relaxed Humor Lovers Gifts

'I view Harold as renewable matter slowly dissolving into fossil fuel, rather than a man in the October of his years.'

'Maybe we should have gone for a pommel horse.'

"I'm not having it if it's been genetically modified."

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

Cow Pinatas

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

Einstein's T-Shirt reads: My Wife Doesn't Understand Me.

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

True confessions.

'It's called 'cause and effect.' I pound this log and Tarzan goes bananas.'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

Feedback card for lions eating their prey.

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

"Buzz off, Fly-boy. We don't need more accessories."

Joe's 'Take Responsibility For Your Own Actions' Bar.

At Ireland's oldst and most respected school of dance, Mrs O'Hara made a terrible discovery... (Book entitled 'The book of Irish dancing vol. 2 - How to incorporate the arms')

"I've finally found a therapist who understands options."

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

'Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby boy!'

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

Imported Candy. "Chocolate Australian Bears"? Yes --- "Coca-Koalas"!

Grounded

A Golden Non-Retriever

'One more curse out of you, young man, and it's right down to the principal's office.'

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

'I'm not worried about losing my job. I'm worried about keeping it.'

'I feel like my ears are about to pop.'

'That'll be four thousand and eighty pounds please'

"You were the one who thought it was too dangerous to raise a child in the big city."

"The Gross National Product and the Gross Domestic Product are doing okay. It's the Gross Domestic Mojo that's going down the toilet."

Aw, geez, is my fly down again? Why Superman started wearing his underwear over his pants.

"Don't make me pull over this mammoth!"

The new diet not working out too good, huh, Frank?

Babies first words are 'Take me to your leader'