Relationship Jester Pillows

"Mind if I put on the game?"

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

"I know what you're thinking, but let me offer a competing narrative."

"OK, you can have another spin - but only 'cause it's your birthday."

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

Yin and Yang fall out

"Good morning, beheaded—uh, I mean beloved."

"OK, but I'll have to run it by my husband."

'No, there's nothing on my mind, but if there was I don't want to talk about it.'

"I have an evacuation plan that includes Roger and one that does not include Roger."

Man escaping from his scolding wife by inhaling ether

'My wife thinks I should go into therapy to find out why I think I don't need it.'

'Would it upset you is I said I'm not bothered if your heart isn't in it?'

'I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer.'

'I'd always assumed that only hormone replacement therapy could make me feel better. Then I discovered husband replacement therapy. . .'

Cricketer goes for marriage guidance

"You make me want to be a better person than you."

'Since I met you I can't eat...I can't drink...I'm broke.'

"You were with her again, weren't you?"

"What you call bad sex, I call physical comedy."

'Business has been a little slow lately, dear...I may have to let you go.'

'I'm just checking my e-cigarette.'

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

'I'm not that concerned about my prostate ... I'm still trying to survive my wife's menopause.'

"Before I say yes, my dad, who is a notary, wants to ask you about your plans for our future."

'...Love, honor, and obey, no questions asked?'

'If this is going to continue - le's knock out that wall and add another room.'

"Edna had promised Lloyd a lap dance for his birthday. Unfortunately it was at the same time her favorite talk show."

'I gave my wife a vacuum cleaner for Xmas. She gave me this!!'

'I didn't even know she was angry until she started shooting.'

"Oh my God! He's unicellular!"

It's not that I don't care for you, but let's face it Larry. You have commitment issues.

"The liposuction will help Mrs Miggins...but it won't make him disappear competely!"

'It's strange that you should ask for my daughter's hand. Only this morning she told me she wants to give you the elbow.'

'It's not that I don't appreciate your efforts to put magic into our marriage...'