Relationship Irony Fan Gifts

"They always go for the dangerous types."

Life is for the birds.

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

'Tomorrow we'll look back on this as a night to remember.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

One cheese omelette, and I've never cheated on my husband. Um, okay. Anything else? A side of hash browns for this one-man woman! And a chocolate as hot and sweet as my intensely singular love for this phenomenal guy. Chuck? Yes dear? I've been having an affair for the last six months. Oh don't act surprised. One scone, and what the @#$% just happened? The denial and snacks before the storm.

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

"He's Right Behind Me, Isn't He?"

'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

What do I want out of our relationship? Same thing anyone wants. Good value.

Revenge Graffiti.

'Marry me!'

"I'm sorry your wife doesn't understand you, but this is a dry cleaner's."

"Manfred, don't get so defensive!"

"Ogden, you're taking yourself too damn seriously."

'Sorry, I'm afraid it was a false alarm. It turns out that 'the emergency gas leak' was my husband.'

"You have to get up early tomorrow, too? We have so much in common!"

"Do you have to put tomato sauce on everything?"

'I swear I didn't know you'd heard that joke before...'

"What the hell do you mean you don't think it's mine?!"

"He's a terrible drunk."

Why Running Away Together Is Not a Very Good Idea...

"Of course you don't look anything like your reflection in the mirror."

"This now concludes our broadcast day."

'You never comment in hushed tones of awe when you catch a glimpse of MY wonders of nature!'