Relationship Goals Humor Pillows

"I can really picture settling down and destroying a suburban family's attic with you."

Life is for the birds.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

STILL LIVES - Bolt: 'It's like we were made for one another!'

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

Reading the sports pages.

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"If you think I ride too fast, Susan...just say so!"

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

...My feng shui would be incompatible with your sumo wrestling.

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"What's so wrong with always living in the present?"

"When you look at me, Alice, what do you see?"

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

Aging Problems

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

'What d'you mean, I never take you anywhere-who took you to the Festival of Britain?'

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

'Have you beed seeing other females?'

Missing Persons - "50 years old, 16 stone and bad tempered... Are you sure you want her back?"

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'