Relationship Goals Humor Gifts

"I can really picture settling down and destroying a suburban family's attic with you."

Life is for the birds.

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

STILL LIVES - Bolt: 'It's like we were made for one another!'

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

Reading the sports pages.

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"What's so wrong with always living in the present?"

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

"If you think I ride too fast, Susan...just say so!"

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

...My feng shui would be incompatible with your sumo wrestling.

"When you look at me, Alice, what do you see?"

Early man wasn't exactly enthusiastic about the development of language.

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

Aging Problems

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"The best thing about our relationship is that we keep growing together."

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

'Have you beed seeing other females?'

'What d'you mean, I never take you anywhere-who took you to the Festival of Britain?'

"You knew I was high maintenance when we met."

Missing Persons - "50 years old, 16 stone and bad tempered... Are you sure you want her back?"