Relationship Humor Lovers Pillows

'Look, I said I was sorry five years ago. Quit dredging up the past.'

'Frankly, William, I am tired of dating the sensitive, needy types.'

'What do you mean, you forgot our anniversary?'

"My first husband could move heaven as well!"

"My glass is half empty"

Groom's supporters v Bride's supporters

"Is it my breath?"

"While you were on your fishing holiday with your pals I bought a new dishwasher!"

Egg timer

"Ed lives somewhere in the midwest and Jim settled out on the west coast, so I don't see them much anymore."

"I don't have the energy to argue. How 'bout we slip into something comfortably passive-aggressive?"

"Fancy crashing at my pad later, babe?"

'Honey, please. Carl, Zeke and Scotty from the pub already chastised me for gambling away my paycheck.'

'Thanks to this new full body patch, my New Year's resolution is on day seven!!'

Of course I'm frigid- isn't EVERYONE?

'Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.'

'I'd like to start seeing other people.'

"They can't divorce us if they can't find us."

'I'm suffering from nymphomania. My wife has it.'

'Nobody walks out on me - use my bike.'

'I feel sorry for you single people. Nobody to go home to fight with.'

'She always gets her way. Everything is always, 'Yes, deer.''

'Our life is so predictable...' - 'I knew you would say that...'

'I've been living out of a tin since my wife left me.'

'Could you scoot your chair over this way a little dear?'

'Listen I think we should break up...it's not you... it's that thing on your face.'

Of course my love is unconditional! We put it in the pre-nup, remember?

Your lips still say "No," but you started out with six exclamation points above your head and now you're down to one. !

It's the "Ask Sadie" advice hour. "Holden" in Dallas, you're on. What's your problem?! I've been trying to get my wife to watch "The Expanse" on Syfy channel, but she refuses to even give it a chance. She won't watch any of my favorite shows with me. What can I do? YOU CAN GET A LIFE. Or you can continue to bug her about your tv shows, she can leave you for a romantic, oiled-up helicopter pilot, and you can watch your shows with your pet goldfish. I don't have a goldfish.

"Honey, guess what? My therapist finally got me to cry!"

Life is for the birds.

"First date hairball... awkward."

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."