Relationship Conflict Gifts

"Nasty case...wife dropped his hardware onto his software."

Body language: the double negative

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"It's not you, Robert. It's the Philip Roth novel on your nightstand."

"I'm finding it difficult to apologize to you,so I've decided to divorce you instead!"

'Honey, I swear to you, Lapland is not a gentlemen's club.'

"Are you trying to tell me something, dearest?"

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Great Therapy!'

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

"My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"We don't talk anymore."

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

'You think it's easy, being married to a man who thinks of nothing but his work?'

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"What do you mean?! That apology is the best piece of fiction I've ever written!"

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

"I fell in love with her. Then she mutated."

"I think I'm as patient as the next person, but my husband wouldn't stop saying 'yo,' so I shot him."

"She said 'let's go for a walk in the park'. It turned into a quagmire."

"When it comes to loving someone, I never seem to get it right."

DIY marriage counseling.