Relationship Comic Enthusiast Gifts

'Got ya. I know everything.'

'I wish you had tried to screw me this much while we were married.'

"If you two lovebirds could wrap it up I'd like to pee there please and thank you."

I wish you wouldn't go to a male strip club. Quit whining. It's disgusting. It objectifies men. You're jealous. Absolutely not. That is not it at all. It makes me realize the hard truth. You only like me for my body. Dementia has set in.

I hate Valentine's Day. Which part? The part where I'm the only guy in the restaurant whose date is a wolverine.

'I said I didn't want to see you anymore. Gawd, you're as bad as the others.'

'My wife ran off with a Greek fisherman, but I got his cap!'

"I had to break up with him. I couldn't stand the armpit noises!"

"Just leave the hat on and maybe my parents won't notice."

"You're a liar and a cheat! I was at your sister's all night."

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

WHIRLWIND COURTSHIP

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

One cheese omelette, and I've never cheated on my husband. Um, okay. Anything else? A side of hash browns for this one-man woman! And a chocolate as hot and sweet as my intensely singular love for this phenomenal guy. Chuck? Yes dear? I've been having an affair for the last six months. Oh don't act surprised. One scone, and what the @#$% just happened? The denial and snacks before the storm.

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"It's my autobiography. I call it, 'I Married Her For Her Money, And Other Gross Miscalculations'."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer.'

What do I want out of our relationship? Same thing anyone wants. Good value.

"Manfred, don't get so defensive!"

"What's come between us?"

'Marry me!'