Rehabilitation Enthusiast Gifts

'Betcha I recover before you do.'

'I tried to turn my life around, and apparently I made an illegal U-turn.'

"When I google myself, the only thing that comes up is my arrest record."

"His term was up two months ago- he can't find an apartment."

"Cops don't get me. Sure, they got me – but they'll ever get me."

Licensed Therapist

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"Postwar is hell."

'I found the termites!'

Couples' therapy

'I haven't been able to come to grips with it. My hands are too small.'

'...and now, Gentlemen, we come to our final lecture in advanced cardiology...'

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"I sometimes think you're the only one who listens to me."

"Oops! I just deleted all your files. Can you repeat everything you've ever told me?"

'We have three minutes left.'

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'

'I get the feeling you're wagging your tale on the outside and crying on the inside.'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"It's hard not to take a mutiny personally."

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

'I'm wrapping it tightly to keep the ankle from swelling.'

Shrinks in heaven

'What kind of alteration did you have in mind?'

"Just what emotion is your emotional support dog supporting?"

"Freud doesn't work for you, so I', going to try some Dr. Anthony Fauci..."

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

'On the plus side, I give my thanks this Thanksgiving that I'm not a turkey. On the minus side...'

"My brother thinks he's a chicken... He's crazy."

Stockbroker and Psychotherapist: Money won't make you happy and therapy won't make you rich.

"You need to stop bottling it up."

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"