Rehabilitation Enthusiast Pillows

'Betcha I recover before you do.'

'I tried to turn my life around, and apparently I made an illegal U-turn.'

"When I google myself, the only thing that comes up is my arrest record."

"His term was up two months ago- he can't find an apartment."

"Cops don't get me. Sure, they got me – but they'll ever get me."

Licensed Therapist

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"Postwar is hell."

'I found the termites!'

Couples' therapy

'I haven't been able to come to grips with it. My hands are too small.'

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

'...and now, Gentlemen, we come to our final lecture in advanced cardiology...'

"Oops! I just deleted all your files. Can you repeat everything you've ever told me?"

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'We have three minutes left.'

"It's hard not to take a mutiny personally."

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'

'I get the feeling you're wagging your tale on the outside and crying on the inside.'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

'I'm wrapping it tightly to keep the ankle from swelling.'

Shrinks in heaven

'What kind of alteration did you have in mind?'

"Just what emotion is your emotional support dog supporting?"

"Freud doesn't work for you, so I', going to try some Dr. Anthony Fauci..."

"You need to stop bottling it up."

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"

'On the plus side, I give my thanks this Thanksgiving that I'm not a turkey. On the minus side...'

Stockbroker and Psychotherapist: Money won't make you happy and therapy won't make you rich.

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

"First, we'll look for repressed memories of malpractice suits."

"Has it ever occurred to you just to say, 'Hey, I quit. I don't want to be a part of the food chain anymore'?"