Rehab Realist Gifts

'They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Substance Abuse Seminar: How Not To Get Hooked!

Fast Food Dieter

'In the doctor's defense, there have been no serious post operative complications.'

"Cops don't get me. Sure, they got me – but they'll ever get me."

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

"Here they come: Detox and Botox."

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

'They had a sale on electric green.'

"Didn't we have a door over there?"

"Can you send me a detailed list of knee exercises I could do at home but won't because I have no discipline."

"Seriously, this can't be the only stretch you know."

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

"And they'll remain in captivity until they are fully rehabilitated and able to fly again."

"I'll give you 3 to 1 nobody else turns up."

'Hey, what do you want from me? As a primary care physician, ALL I DO is prescribe drugs and refer you to specialists.'

"I am exercising. I'm doing some online walking around an online mall."

'You know, I think this is my most boring reincarnation ever!'

Addiction Research Centre.

"Yeah, he's in rehab, but for the right role I can spring him."

'Okay Kid. Start Jumping! This will be the only exercise I'll get all day.'

"That? Oh, that's the contractor insult tax. We add that to the invoice when a customer treats us as if we're somehow constantly contriving to rip them off."

'Realist Trac, with 4 settings...'

"It's all very well being healed, but that mobility scooter cost a fortune."

Problem of getting older.

'I think my work here is done.'

'Exercise is good for your rehabilitation, you can start by cleaning the toilets.'

"When I google myself, the only thing that comes up is my arrest record."

"Yes, it is a very large bill. Unfortunately, the doctor who gave you a second opinion charges ten times what I do."

'I'm looking as young as 20 years ago? Honey, promise me not to see an eye specialist for the next 20 years!'

'Here! Call the contractor. I don't want to hear any nonsense about goals, or touchdowns, or baskets. I want to see shovels! Lots and lots of shovels!'

"This is my exercise routine, and this is my routine to avoid that exercise routine."

'...and so, after rehab, Snow White married the prince, and lived one day at a time ever after.'