Realty Renegade Pillows

'I'm sorry, but I just don't think you're cut out to sell real estate.'

'Let's not go by the book.'

That's supposed to say garage sale!

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

A holiday at home

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

'I don't care if they are cheaper...we're not using them!'

Paint/Paint Remover, Glue/Glue Remover...

"I'll never understand wallpaper."

"Give him his food."

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

Organized chaos.

"I can't have anything that's a food."

"Let's change table stakes to vacation days."

'Oh, sure -- NOW you set boundaries!'

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

House hunting is cruel.

'All these new regulations will totally alter the way we screw the consumer.'

'Can I assume from the rent that this place comes with its own butler?'

'The carpet's too thick so I cut a bit off the door.'

'We could either give you a $50,000 home improvement loan, or $2,000 to just blow your house up.'

My definition of 'quality time?'...charging $500 per hour.

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. VI

'Looks like Ed Miliband's attempt to stop the race failed.'

"That last customer thinks I should fire you."

'Mr Evans, I think we'd better reconsider our no-smoking policy.'

How did people work before computers? They grew food, made clothing and built stuff. Now all that is done outside the country. Not true. What about

"If it please Your Honor, may I redo the bench?"

DIY store.

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

"When you pay the rent for your one-room studio, you mustn't think about what you can get for that amount back in Iowa."

First fisherman says, 'What happens if the DNR finds us?' Other replies, 'Let's just hope they're into catch and release.'

"I've burnt the roast...Turn down the restaurant lighting a touch!"

'Just use some extra strength spackle.'