Resale Renegade Pillows

That's supposed to say garage sale!

Jack of all trades

How can he sleep so comfortably knowing that pillow will someday be clogging a land fill...

The dumpster code - find something, leave something.

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

"I take it the toilet is fixed?"

Aladdin's Less Magic Carpet Ride.

A holiday at home

'Put your tools away. We can't afford to pay any more tradesmen to fix another of your botched DIY projects.'

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

'I don't care if they are cheaper...we're not using them!'

Paint/Paint Remover, Glue/Glue Remover...

'Yes you have to work Earth Day.'

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

"I'll never understand wallpaper."

Organized chaos.

Home maintenance

"You've opened my eyes to the most disgusting worldly delights."

House hunting is cruel.

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

"Brilliant! And then all they have to do is stop them flying at night."

'Can I assume from the rent that this place comes with its own butler?'

'The carpet's too thick so I cut a bit off the door.'

'We could either give you a $50,000 home improvement loan, or $2,000 to just blow your house up.'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. VI

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"If it please Your Honor, may I redo the bench?"

Working in recovery of Hurricane

"OK, let's see. For starters, the guarantee only covers the muffler."

'Looks like Ed Miliband's attempt to stop the race failed.'

"That last customer thinks I should fire you."

Exams

DIY store.

'It's no use Lieutenant - he's still refusing to separate his recyclables.'