Real Estate Renegade Pillows

‘We unknowingly bought a leasehold new build!’

Man sits on house.

'Let's not go by the book.'

'You're developing a reputation as something of a cowboy, Henderson.'

That's supposed to say garage sale!

A holiday at home

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

'I don't care if they are cheaper...we're not using them!'

Paint/Paint Remover, Glue/Glue Remover...

"I'll never understand wallpaper."

Man running from desk: 'I can't seem to get away from my work lately.'

"Give him his food."

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

"I can't have anything that's a food."

Organized chaos.

House hunting is cruel.

"Let's change table stakes to vacation days."

'Oh, sure -- NOW you set boundaries!'

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

'All these new regulations will totally alter the way we screw the consumer.'

'The carpet's too thick so I cut a bit off the door.'

'Can I assume from the rent that this place comes with its own butler?'

'We could either give you a $50,000 home improvement loan, or $2,000 to just blow your house up.'

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. VI

My definition of 'quality time?'...charging $500 per hour.

"If it please Your Honor, may I redo the bench?"

"That last customer thinks I should fire you."

'Mr Evans, I think we'd better reconsider our no-smoking policy.'

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

DIY store.

Godfrey Hunting for Lodgings

First fisherman says, 'What happens if the DNR finds us?' Other replies, 'Let's just hope they're into catch and release.'

'Just use some extra strength spackle.'