Real Estate Renegade Pillows

‘We unknowingly bought a leasehold new build!’

Man sits on house.

'Let's not go by the book.'

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

That's supposed to say garage sale!

'You're developing a reputation as something of a cowboy, Henderson.'

A holiday at home

'This is Bob - our secret agent of change.'

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

'I don't care if they are cheaper...we're not using them!'

Paint/Paint Remover, Glue/Glue Remover...

Man running from desk: 'I can't seem to get away from my work lately.'

"Give him his food."

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

"I'll never understand wallpaper."

Organized chaos.

"I can't have anything that's a food."

"Let's change table stakes to vacation days."

House hunting is cruel.

'Oh, sure -- NOW you set boundaries!'

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

'All these new regulations will totally alter the way we screw the consumer.'

'The carpet's too thick so I cut a bit off the door.'

'We could either give you a $50,000 home improvement loan, or $2,000 to just blow your house up.'

'Can I assume from the rent that this place comes with its own butler?'

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. VI

My definition of 'quality time?'...charging $500 per hour.

"If it please Your Honor, may I redo the bench?"

"That last customer thinks I should fire you."

'Mr Evans, I think we'd better reconsider our no-smoking policy.'

How did people work before computers? They grew food, made clothing and built stuff. Now all that is done outside the country. Not true. What about

DIY store.

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

'Just use some extra strength spackle.'