Raise Ruminator Gifts

"I was thinking of giving you a raise, Caldron. But, then I decided I think too much."

"Yeah, I won the Finest Quality Wool award, but it was a tough competition: There were contestants from all over Australia and New Zealand..."

"In the room the women come and go. Talking of Michelangelo."

"If I go to the party alone, will I be able to leave when I want? But then, there's always the possibility that I will get stuck talking to someone. I can't shake the problem is me. What if no one else likes me? I'm the only one being critical... The issue is I'm not enough and it's really so huge." "The over thinker"

An epiphany is the sudden realization of essential meaning. An "explanation point"!

"I think...therefore I am. I think."

"I really like smart women."

'The secret to happiness is awaiting F.D.A. approval.'

'Have you got something that says, 'I've got a headache?''

"Anything to accompany a stale marriage?"

"My psychiatrist advised me to pay taxes quarterly. That way my seething resentment is spread evenly over a year."

In Case of Accidents

'Yes, most humans call us pests or vermin, but a few of them love us as pets...'

'Gail, my dear, please don't talk about sex - my God this is a restaurant!'

"He doesn't seem to be accepting retirement too well."

'Your 401k doesn't look a day over 20.'

Philosoraptors

"Just like he did when he was alive the lazy sod!"

"I see you're on a date at the moment but perhaps later we could meet for a latte."

"So make me an offer."

Poker game called off due to family emergency. ? ?

Oops, I spilled coffee on my resume. Uh-oh, that's a stain on your record!

"Construction. Expect delays Jan 1 - Dec 31."

'What makes you think your bartender is more qualified than my hairdresser to solve our marital problems?'

"To meet the government requirements, I'm passing the extra costs to the consumer and our employees."

"The salesman was right, a carpet with a darker colour will hide all manner of sins."

A fun-sized cow.

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. As soon as the ruling came down, my husband Larry left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The Supreme Court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"How are people at my reunion going to recognize me? I look in the mirror and even I don't recognize me."

The end is not near - so cope!

"Why have you never married?"

"My nose always bleeds when I'm stressed."

FOR RENT: 1-BR. APT. W/GARAGE. ! !