Quirky Playwright Pillows

Literary discovery - Shakespeare's plays were not written by Shakespeare, but by an entirely different person (who also happened to be named William Shakespeare).

"We're bringing the arts and sciences together here by giving crayons to mice."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

Pigeon Little

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Glance Exchange

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Optimist

Reverse psychology

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"It's just a tree."

"Of course they're permanent. I'm an artist."

"How about a hand."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'