Quirky Playwright Gifts

Literary discovery - Shakespeare's plays were not written by Shakespeare, but by an entirely different person (who also happened to be named William Shakespeare).

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"We're bringing the arts and sciences together here by giving crayons to mice."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Anna Calvi

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

Pigeon Little

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

Glance Exchange

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Optimist

Reverse psychology

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"It's just a tree."

"How about a hand."

"Of course they're permanent. I'm an artist."