Quirky Novelist Gifts

"Don't editorialize."

"Just thought I'd let you know that the stars are in the exact same configuration as when Mary Shelley wrote 'Frankenstein'."

'Sorry - I'm saving all my small talk for my novel.'

E M Forster.

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

Graffiti artists signs his memoirs in bookshop.

We're making progress building a staff for the palace. The king's lawyer and accountant has sealed lips, of course. Putting a big heart in the charity foundation chief, and building the gardener with a green thumb were excellent choices, Ernie. But the entertainers sill need some fixes. The jester doesn't have a funny bone. I'm nobody's fool. And you have the minstrel a tin ear! Oops.

Tesseract of the D'Urbervilles.

The Family Joules: Part 5

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"Hell, Mom! How's it look?!" "Holy mackerel."

Fuzz - Fuzzy writes a song with a positive message.

How I met your mother

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

Fishing.

Meet the author Billy Bovine.

"I've finally finished my lockdown novel."

Pets in Attorney's office - 'The iguana gets everything.'

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy drove the getaway car..."

'A little squirt like Graubart would theorize that the Universe is contracting!'

Dummies for Dummies.

Children's Book Publisher. It should be good for lots or repeat sales

"Your article on the safe storage of combustibles is quite good, but I think you should leave out the part about the wicked witch setting you on fire."

'Miss Wilson, get on the web and find me everything on bottles!'

'That's right...his appendix...and it's pure dynamite! Don't you see? It'll be the ultimate insider celebrity memoir!'

Hog Futures

Centaur falls in love.

"Come with us to see the wizard. He can find you a brain!"

Chicken Funeral Planning.