Quirky Excuse Collector Pillows

"Of course, I'm perfectly willing to pay my income tax, but I stayed home all day on the fifteenth, and nobody came."

'I'm not allowed to have a dog, so I have to eat my own homework.'

"We found the poor thing stranded on the beach last summer and decided to adopt it."

Larry's used art

Seagiraffes

"Don't worry about your purchase not working. Everything we sell here is totally non-functional."

"I was going to chuck it all and go to Paris but I didn't have enough frequent-flier miles."

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

"Will you have a Sphinx?"

'The ghost walks this passage every night Monday to Friday. He has weekends off.'

Duck Hunt

"Sorry. I just find rotating my head helps me to relax during the test."

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

Raincloud Umbrella

Thinks he's too cool for school.

Early cyborg.

Best before 65 million BC.

"I don't know about you, but it always makes me feel kinda special."

"Trust me, this is as weird for me as it is for you."

A man walks his dog wearing a cone.

Ice shelfie.

"Oh, I'm thrilled with my new dog! He's sort of a hunter/retriever/plumber/electrician."

"Now, why didn't I think of that?"

"I don't think our smart home likes the color we painted it. It keeps spitting it out."

"Dear? The toothpaste is on the top shelf. Don't touch the tube on the bottom shelf, that's Grandma's triple strength epoxy denture adhesive."

'Anorak anoraks'.

A trevor of trainspotters

Fred Dinsdale - Forensic expert.

'Don't you think it's just a little weird to have a cemetery for houseplants?!'

It's great for pulling the birds!

Inflating Boobs.

"Things are looking up!"

Dog selling toilet water on front lawn

"I'll give you $5 for that shirt."

"Just a harmless little genetic experiment," they said. Yeah, right...