Quirky Excuse Collector Pillows

"Of course, I'm perfectly willing to pay my income tax, but I stayed home all day on the fifteenth, and nobody came."

'I'm not allowed to have a dog, so I have to eat my own homework.'

"We found the poor thing stranded on the beach last summer and decided to adopt it."

Larry's used art

Seagiraffes

"Don't worry about your purchase not working. Everything we sell here is totally non-functional."

"I was going to chuck it all and go to Paris but I didn't have enough frequent-flier miles."

'The ghost walks this passage every night Monday to Friday. He has weekends off.'

"Will you have a Sphinx?"

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

Duck Hunt

"Sorry. I just find rotating my head helps me to relax during the test."

Raincloud Umbrella

Thinks he's too cool for school.

Early cyborg.

"I don't know about you, but it always makes me feel kinda special."

Best before 65 million BC.

"Trust me, this is as weird for me as it is for you."

A man walks his dog wearing a cone.

"I don't think our smart home likes the color we painted it. It keeps spitting it out."

Ice shelfie.

"Dear? The toothpaste is on the top shelf. Don't touch the tube on the bottom shelf, that's Grandma's triple strength epoxy denture adhesive."

"Now, why didn't I think of that?"

"Oh, I'm thrilled with my new dog! He's sort of a hunter/retriever/plumber/electrician."

'Anorak anoraks'.

A trevor of trainspotters

Fred Dinsdale - Forensic expert.

Inflating Boobs.

"I'll give you $5 for that shirt."

It's great for pulling the birds!

"Things are looking up!"

"Just a harmless little genetic experiment," they said. Yeah, right...

"Attention, everyone! I'd like to introduce the newest member of our family."

'The only problem is they're glued together. So I can't see the watch...or change the dead calculator batteries, but it's guaranteed for life...'